happy anniversary?

Thirteen years ago, I stood in our living room at 100 Sherman Ave S, looking into Larry’s eyes, surrounded by a circle of our friends and made a vow to love, honour, care for and respect him until death separated us.

As I said these vows, my left hand was bound to Larry’s right hand with a cord to symbolize the joining of our two lives together. The first action we performed together was to jump over a broom.

I realized last night that I lied in those vows because I STILL love him, honour his memory, care for his happiness and respect the man he was and role he filled in my life. I will carry these feelings with me until the day I leave this land and suspect they will carry me into whatever may lie beyond.

I still have that cord as a reminder of those vows and what they represent to me, I will keep this cord until the day I die. It WILL be with me when I am cremated.

Much as we spent that day 13 years ago surrounded by friends, I spent yesterday surrounded by friends as well – reminiscing about our times together and how we will move forward as friends and honouring Larry’s work and memories – through his Wiccan studies, legacy and extensive library and continuing Santa Canada’s work.

These thoughts came to me as I lay in the living room listening to the music we danced to that night – Mary Chapin Carpenter’s “Grow Old With Me” and Damian Wilson’s “When I Leave This Land.”

I realized last night that perhaps one day I may even add another cord or similar symbol to go along with it. Who knows what fate and the heart have in store?

On this day, I reflect on the time Larry and I had together and how lucky I was – and still am. Happy anniversary hon – I love you! Those promises I made to you those years ago still stand and always will – until I , myself, leave this land.

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2 thoughts on “happy anniversary?

  1. I’ve been reflecting on your words – and my life, and what’s in my heart – for about fifteen minutes now. I’ve said to you, in my mind, so much, picking through which words to share. I don’t want to be too verbose. In the Twitter age that seems like a sin. I’ve already said that my partner is my True North. The thought of losing him is my ultimate nightmare.

    I have had severe, chronic depression all of my life. For the past 15 yrs my partner (and until she passed away, our daughter) gave me reasons to get out of bed, to smile, to laugh, to keep living, to try, when I couldn’t find any motivation or energy whatever inside myself to do those things for myself. After my daughter died and I eventually became suicidal, not wanting to live anymore for myself, I didn’t leave because I wouldn’t leave him; I stayed for him when I couldn’t find a reason to stay for myself until it got better. His endless patience, understanding, compassion, and humour regarding the depression and his equally tender care with regards to my epileptic seizures (same as our daughter had) makes him damn near unreal.

    It fills my heart to read about the depth love you’ve known, as it breaks my heart to read about the immensity of what you’ve lost, but it terrifies me because it may be my turn next. I am a TRULY lousy Buddhist! Grasping and attachment are the source of all our suffering. This I know to be the Truth. I do, I do, I do.

    Blessings, you dear sweet soul.
    Steph

    • Thanks Steph!

      It’s been quite an adjustment getting used to being a “me” instead of an “us” and every now and then, I find something that sets me off – but I realize that this is okay. I have been lucky to have the support of good friends, family, co-workers and both the general arts community of Hamilton as well as the gay community of Hamilton/Toronto. Life hasn’t been easy, but every now and then there has been someone to help me carry the load. I am truly blessed.

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