myke’s mid lyfe crysis: pushing forty

It is with great trepidation that I write this one.

This time last year, I was getting ready to celebrate my 39th birthday and starting to make plans for my 40th birthday party.

You see, I was planning on celebrating surviving 40 orbits around the sun, 15 of which with the man that I loved, 10 of which clean and sober, the last 5 at a healthy weight and outlook.

I have still survived 40 orbits around the sun, the last 10 of which will be clean and sober, the last 5 at a healthy weight, however I am now without my soul mate, lover and best friend.

I am not celebrating my 40th birthday publicly this year, there will be no blow out, no big party surrounded by friends and family.  Not because I don’t want to, but because the birthday present Larry and I were planning to give everyone cannot happen.

You see, in the midst of the birthday party, Larry and I had arranged our wedding ceremony.  We were going to be surrounded by all our friends and loved ones, good food and coffee – what better time to celebrate 15 years of love and share it with everyone?

Sadly cancer put a stop to that.  I’m not really in the celebrating mood, so the festivities will be far more subdued.  I’ve taken the next week off to finish purging my home of clutter that is weighing me down physically and emotionally, the dumpster is arriving tomorrow and I suspect it will be an incredibly cathartic experience.

As such, I’m asking my friends to be patient with me and give me my space for the next little while.  If I need anything, I’ll reach out as necessary…mmmkay?

I’ve also just found out that I am now on year ten at my employer without any summer vacation.  I had planned on a week’s educational opportunity, however my employer decided once again that I did not have enough seniority to get the one week I wanted off.  I wish I felt more strongly about it, however I’m tired of scrapping plans due to the rules being changed midstream – it’s seriously hard to feel valued as an employee when what you’re told and the reality you face are two entirely different things.

Hopefully once I get through the next week, I’ll post something a little more sunshine and happiness related, maybe even celebrate being 40, I can only hope the next decade is better than my 30s because, two rounds of cancer and most of the decade spent in therapy dealing with issues past and present pretty much sucked.  I do know I am healthier than ever, in a good space emotionally and ready to start the next steps in my life.  It’s just is my life ready for me?