two years later.

I’m sitting here in my dining room, writing this by the glow of my laptop screen and the candles that I have lit throughout the lower level of the house.  Two years ago I was worried about so many things  in my life:

  • worried about being alone after 15 years
  • worried about my future
  • worried about my sanity, worried about my health
  • worried about my family and how my life would change.

Two years down the road, guess what?  I’m still thinking about the same issues.  I’m not worried per se, however I have concerns and distinct fears.  What has changed is my approach in handling these issues and spending less time spinning my wheels and worrying about them, as opposed to outlining the steps I need to take to proceed further:

  • I am still alone after 2 years, however aside from periods where I am stressed and under pressure, I’m truly not lonely.  I have a supportive and loving family, I have a great group of friends who readily step up to the plate when I’m feeling weak and confused and my spiritual family has grown immensely in the past year.
  • My future is a mutable thing and it will be what I make of it.  It is becoming clearer that my future isn’t along the current path I’m on and perhaps not even in the city that has been my home for the past 17 years.  I love Hamilton immensely and it has helped me grow and develop into the man I’ve become, but I see my future elsewhere.
  • I’m still fighting for my health, after Larry’s death and my Dad’s passing, I’ve let things go with my diet and exercise.  I’m beginning to get this reigned back in and being more conscious of what I am doing.  My sanity is something that I have fought hard for over the past year.  After a crushing breakdown on December 20 last year, I’ve had an intense round of therapy and focusing on my issues.  The past eight months have been brutal and I do know the following truth:  life is too short to be doing something that leaves you unhappy at the end of the day.  I’ve spent much of the past 27 years of my life covering up my unhappiness through food, drugs, alcohol and masks.  Now that I’ve tackled the unhappiness that ruled my life for so long, I am choosing to follow my happiness, albeit cautiously, wherever it may lead me.
  • I’m still concerned about my family, particularly my Mother, after Dad passed.  I’m being as supportive as I can to assist her in determining her future plans and what she needs for her life on her own.  My brother and his family are constantly in my thoughts and I wish for them to continue to work towards their happiness as a family and as individuals.

So what does all this mean?  I am still a confused, although now less frightened, man.  I know that I can stand on my own as an individual and can blaze my own trail.  I am blessed with a strong foundation of family and friends who keep me grounded, balanced and more recently honest with myself.

Am I still frightened?  Somewhat.  Confused?  Yes.  Concerned?  Undoubtedly.  Excited?  Definitely!

Watch here for big things in the near future…it’s going to be an interesting journey – I can promise you that.

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