questions nobody seemed to have the answer to four years later

It’s been four years and I STILL have a number of questions that have remained unanswered to date.  I’ve talked to counsellors, friends who have lost spouses, clergy and coworkers and nobody has been able to provide a succinct, pat answer to any of these.

I suspect nobody will actually ever have an answer to them but I’m going to answer them as best I can from my perspective anyways:

  1. When does it stop hurting?

    It doesn’t, it goes from being a constant pain to more of a dull ache that waxes and wanes as your emotional reserves flow.

  2. How long does the feeling of incredible loneliness last?

    Four years and counting.  Again it ebbs and flows.  However I’ve learned to take every chance I can to get out and be with people, even though the homecoming to an empty bed may hurt.  You can rejoice in what your partnered/married friends have while reflecting on where love fits in your future.

  3. When is an acceptable time to start considering “moving on”?

    Whenever you’re ready to move on.  Don’t let anybody tell you anything else dammit!

  4. When does the guilt for even thinking about moving on subside?

    It doesn’t.  You just learn to cope with it and manage your response to it better.

  5. How can I even consider the possibility of anyone to replace the one person who meant more than anything else in this world to me?

    I’ve learned that there will never be someone who replaces Larry’s place in my life.  The people who come close create their own space and position that may be close to or similar.  Sometimes they may even encroach and fill a gap where Larry once was but they will never be him.

  6. Will I find someone who is just as good as the one person who meant more than anything else in this world to me?

    That’s entirely up to me.  I’ve been close and have made some damn good friends in the process.

  7. When will my anger for losing the one person who meant more than anything else in this world subside?

    Hmm…good question.  I’m no longer angry, perhaps lost, sad and hurt are better descriptors – the anger kind of morphed into a combination of things.

  8. Am I justified in feeling this constant combination of hurt, pain, fear, anger and guilt?

    Yes and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

  9. Are people being nice to me simply because of this?  Am I being handled with kid gloves? Are they being honest with me or protecting me from some dark truth?

    Yes they are, and they are likely being dishonest with you because they don’t know how to handle the truth of your situation.  They’re the kind of people you should keep a close eye on.  You want people who are respectfully honest in your life – the kind who will tell you when you’re being unreasonable and yes, an asshole!  People who are willing to lie to you to protect you are not someone you should keep close, even if the lies make you feel better.

  10. Why are some of my friends avoiding me?  When I need them now more than ever?

    If they didn’t even try to reach out and talk through their fears, their side of losing your partner and dealing with your grief, they likely were not friends to begin with.

  11. Why can’t some people just leave me alone?

    Because people want to feel like they’re helping.  Those whom you told to leave you be for a while but were still there when you needed them are the people who care about you and understand you enough to be considered lifelong friends.

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