spinning my wheels

Despite my best efforts, 2017 was a year of being on pause.  Nothing I set out to do transpired as external forces precluded me from following through on plans and dreams.  2018, so far, has been a series of unfortunate surprises and disappointment.

It’s hard not to get discouraged in life these days.  Despite all the goodness that is happening in my world, it seems like I’m mired in the mud, spinning my tires, doing little more than getting frustrated and dirty.

Getting back in the saddle and “putting myself” out there has resulted in a whole lot of frustration and one pretty darkly funny thing – I now have the ultimate “icebreaker” for functions – “Hi, my name is Myke and I’ve dated a potential serial killer!”

Fuck.  If that’s the highlight of my past year…things are looking pretty bleak for me relationship-wise.

By the way – it was a coffee at the Second Cup on Church St., little more – he told me I really wasn’t his “type” before I sat down to drink.  I guess I’m lucky?

I met another great guy who was charming, intelligent, spiritual, EMPLOYED (!) in good health and had dashingly good looks.  All was well until I found out that he is 78 years old and will turn 80 in 2019.  I’m okay with an age difference, however when he has a grandchild who is older than me – it’s an issue as statistically speaking, he won’t live long enough to share my retirement years with me in a meaningful way.

I’ve already buried and mourned one husband…I don’t want to be worrying about going through that again in the near future.

Musically, it seems I’m stuck in a rut.  The Foundation EP was disappointing.  Despite it having 2-3 of my best songs so far, it hasn’t sold and I’m hard pressed to pull the trigger on CD copies when I only have three pre-orders – I’ll have to do it soon because I owe those folks their CDs – maybe I’ll turn the rest into a VERY expensive art project.  I have two bags of custom guitar picks from my “pre-Hamilton” days with my name misspelled on them, despite my being a D’Addario/Planet Waves artist at the time…the story of “Myk’s” life I suppose…

I’ve put myself “out there” for gigs, which has fallen on deaf ears so I’m wondering at this point…why bother?  People tell me I need to play more and get out, however the very same people always have an excuse for not attending, even if the shows are free or pay what you can.  The next gig will be small, local and likely live streamed…we shall see…

At the same time, people whom I’ve given support, chances and opportunity to have failed to engage me in their projects, despite assurances in the past they’d do so.  It’s quite clear that support and opportunity flow in one direction away from me…

I’m beginning to get mercenary in my decluttering and cleaning house.  I’m also getting mercenary in NOT bringing in any new clutter or unnecessary objects, having to justify moving them in the near future.  I’m beginning to see less reason to keep the house at this juncture in my life – we shall see what transpires as I continue to determine what the future will or will not bring for me.  At the moment, I just want less shit weighing me down!

So if you see me and wonder why I look so pensive and dark – please don’t tell me to smile because there’s a high likelihood you WILL get a VERY honest reply from me.  By the way did I tell you I want on a coffee date with a person who’s suspected of murdering two people, perhaps more?

There’s a song in there, I’m sure, but at this point it seems that nobody’s listening.

<sigh>
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