five years later.

Dear Larry,

Five years after your passing and I’ve been approaching this year with cautious optimism.

Optimistic because things aren’t so “acutely painful” feeling.  Cautious because I know my heart and mind can be rat bastards when it comes to surprising me with unanticipated overwhelming levels of emotions.

This year marks my 5th year of being a widower and things aren’t much different than the past four years, other than I’m a little more grounded and in a better frame of mind and heart.

While I have a lot to feel accomplished and proud about, I still often feel I’m no further ahead than before.  I suspect this feeling of “Yeah but…what’s next?” will be continually present in my life for quite some time…but who knows?

I still remain quite resolutely single.  There are special people in my life, however none of them have become someone to share my life with at this moment.  I know and feel love, but nothing even remotely close to what we had.  I’m content with that for the moment – despite the occasional pangs of loneliness, Chloe and I are doing okay, facing the world together.

Chloe is doing well, she continues to take good care of me and continues to know instinctively when I need a little extra cuddle or quiet time.  Her seizures have diminished and only happen when things are really hot and she’s stressed out.

Mom’s doing okay, she’s coping with some knee issues, however she’s otherwise doing all right…despite the odd crowbar being thrown into plans.  Stephen, Dana and the girls are doing well – you’d be so proud of Hannah, she started at York University in September.  Lauren is finishing high school and is often busy working at the store in Grand Valley.

I finally gifted the last “Jimmy” suit to Michael Morin as he was definitely ready to take the next step as a Santa.  I suspect that Santa will be in my life in some form or another for quite some time.

David is still my mentor, psychologist and “second dad” – I got to see him in person in March, as well as in regular contact to keep each other sane and laughing.  I’m going to be visiting with him, Santa Stephen, Santa Leon and a few others next week and am looking forward to that.  Doug, Dana and Mara are still amazing friends who keep me grounded and remind me that there will ALWAYS someone there “in case of emergency.”

Rev. Doug has become a great friend since you died.  His no-nonsense demeanour and solid grounding in faith is an anchor for me…you’d be so happy that Rev. Beyerl has continued with me under his wing to ensure my studies that started with you have continued…I am blessed to be able to walk the fine line between Pagan and Christian.

I still sing at St. Paul’s and my voice has grown stronger over the years.  It has helped me find my voice and strength in other areas of singing and I forever am thankful for Blair to have taken the chance on me as a singer.

I recorded and released the follow up to table for one. and continue to write more songs.  I doubt I’ll release a whole “album” ever again and will be focusing on songs as I write them.

That being said, I’m still a basket case and unsure of what the future brings.  Work, despite continuing along at a steady and pleasant pace, continues to be up in the air and after almost 2 decades there, I am not sure of what I would desire for my future.  It’s very interesting as I know my future path is veering away from that direction but at the moment, I am unsure of where it will lead me.

I’m in a better place this year.  I still miss you and continue to strive to honour your memory.  However for the first time in a very long while, I know I’m ready to move on.  I love you with all my heart and soul, however it’s time for me to take the next step.

With love.

m.

 

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