A number of my friends have/are coming up on anniversaries where they’ve lost a loved one – be it their spouse, partner, parent, pet.
They all have posted on how they “move on” and rediscover who they are. My answer is simple:
You don’t “move on” – you just keep on moving along your path. Don’t remain mired in the past and ruminating on what life “could have been like” if the loved one still lived. Stop ruminating on what they are doing now and focus on YOU.
Stop counting the number of years, months, days, hours, minutes since your life changed. Your life has changed and what was in the past is in the past. It is the foundation on what you base your future life and growth upon – it’s part of you but it’s time to build upon what was started, instead of contemplating the work already done.
You don’t rediscover who you are. Because you are no longer a “we” or “they” you are a “me” and a “you.”
You are still the same person as you once were. You were not defined strictly by the loved one whom you shared your life with. You still have the same fears, the same cares, the same spirit and heart, albeit a little more tattered and torn due to recent losses. But it’s up to you to mend what you can and continue to add to the quilt that your life is.
The pain of those old wounds will remain. Stop trying to ignore it and forget that it happened, but at the same time – stop picking at them and trying to get them to bleed. Let them heal and wear your scars proudly as they show your character and that you have fought battles and come out (hopefully) victorious, or at least a survivor.
Treat your past like looking in a photo album. Remember the happy times, the funny stories, the painful moments and yes the heart-wrenching tragedies and loss. Revisit them from time to time but try not to wallow, put the album back on the shelf for you to revisit again further down your path.
Your loved one would want you happy. They would want you to remember the better times and what joy or happiness they brought to your life. They would want you to find a similar joy so you can have that sensation regularly in your life.
They would NOT want you sad. Angry. Depressed.
You are not replacing them. You are not forgetting them. You are honouring their memory and the love you shared together.
Try to remember that myke!
I wrote the above in my personal journal last night, because this Valentines Day would have been the 20th anniversary of my first date with Larry and will be the 5th anniversary of his death in August. I had noticed my beginning to psych myself up and tear myself apart and finally stopped to ask myself why I was setting myself up for a meltdown.
I, too, have had at least one other devastating life changing event but I managed to come to terms with it and didn’t set myself up for anniversaries and rehash “what could have been” because I accepted it as a fact and tried my best to build upon the outcome. I still bear the scars but I don’t let them control me…