easter basket case

Many folks know that I am a professional musician – a classically trained singer who, for the past twelve years, has been part of the worship team at a local Presbyterian Church.

This church leans towards a conservative liturgy and worship takes place in a building that is registered as a National Heritage site for Canada.  It just celebrated its 190th anniversary and the building itself is either “beautiful” if you love classic architecture or “creepy” if you’re one of the students who attends classes on Thursday evenings.

For me, the building is beautiful.  Some of the people….

This week is Holy Week in the Christian liturgical calendar.  This is the week that traverses the final week of Yeshua ben Yusuf’s life and career and sets forth the creation of the modern Christian church.

From the triumphant entry into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, to the washing of feet, Last Supper, arrest and betrayal of Maundy Thursday, to the trial and crucifixion of Good Friday to the resurrection on Easter Sunday.  The church’s worship team is tasked with retelling the story and putting it into modern context, while guiding the congregation through complex emotions.

This is emotional work for the team.  And, for the church vocalists, tasked with embodying triumph, quiet resolve, betrayal, loss, and horror, then the witness of a miracle, quite physically and mentally taxing.

Oftentimes we hear from congregants that they don’t like attending a service because “it’s too sad” (Maundy Thursday) or “it’s too depressing” (Good Friday) but they’re fine with Palm Sunday (Hosannah!) and Easter (Rejoice!)

They are missing out on the full experience and an understanding of the story.  Even as a Pagan Humanist, I feel this way.  Heck even my husband Larry once joked, you can’t have the Easter Bunny until AFTER the crucifixion…although his words were a LOT more blunt.

Meanwhile the Minister, Organist and choir members work to embody the complex chain of events, the emotional impact and spiritual outcome and understanding of the work that must continue.  And this is why we are often exhausted after the season is done.  Because we MUST embody these elements to help guide and lead the congregation through the events – both the happy and joyous ones, and yes the difficult and painful ones.

As a singer, I task my voice to cry with joy, shout with betrayal, weep with sadness and rejoice.

And afterwards, I rest.

And the rest is even more important for myself, as I also approach this from someone who approaches these elements from a different spiritual path and a whole lot of prior spiritual baggage.  I’m just glad the current minister is progressive and has presented messages that are modern and provide a thought-provoking and up-to-date approach to the Easter story as a whole.

Blessed Be.

dear santa

When Larry chose to portray you, I was introduced to a world of magickal people who gladly set aside their identities to portray you, eventually leading to their lives being shaped by who you are and all that you represent. 

A few years back, after much hesitation and consideration, I took the plunge to support you, finding myself grateful for my friends and mentors who continue to don the suit of red. Many of whom have become working partners, spiritual advisors and, yes, beloved family to me. 

Having you in my life figuratively and – in many cases – literally, has helped me survive the past ten years as there is a constant reminder of the magick, spirit and love that you represent.  

The folks in the red suit who have remained in my life or joined me on my journey are blessings to me – I am reminded to love and give freely of myself through their acts, words and deeds.  My faith in humanity is refreshed when you have revealed your presence to me through them.

Your biggest and best gift to me was Larry being given a focus and drive – especially through the worst cancer had thrown at him.  Your next greatest gift to me has been that the people who portray you that stood behind and beside me and supported me when my whole world crumbled, many of them held me up and held me together to ensure that I didn’t fall apart.  

At least two of them had been an important part of my life before you entered it and they remain a large part of my life.  They continue to support me in their actions, words, prayers and deeds and they remind me that faith can be a powerful thing when given the right intent and reason.  

You have given me a good friend and spiritual brother who both portrays you but also has taken me under his wing and works with me to create an experience where believers can share in your spirit and we can spread a message of peace and giving.   David continues to know exactly when I’m not in a good head and heart space and he reaches out to remind me of what is important and keeps me grounded.  In him I’m reminded that the spirit of St. Nicholas can still exist in an over noisy and complicated world.

You have given me a good friend who both portrays you but also has taken me under his wing and works with me musically.  David has been my most ardent supporter, believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.  He still does.  David continues to know exactly when I’m not in a good head and heart space and he reaches out to remind me of what is important and keeps me grounded.  In him I’m reminded that the spirit of St. Nicholas and St. Francis of Assisi can still exist in an over noisy and complicated world.

Make me an instrument of your peace indeed.  Both Davids are such and they bring peace within themselves wherever they go.  It’s because of the Santas David that I still believe. Thank you.

You have introduced me to many other good friends who portray you and have provided me with patient and kind friendship and mentorship. In them, I’m reminded that the spirit of St. Nicholas and spirit of giving and love can still exist in an over noisy and complicated world.

This past year, I have been blessed to spend time with many others who bear your mantle and joyously bring your blessings to us over a number of events.  Throughout all the trials that my life has set before me, I’ve been able to remain connected to the community and continue to communicate, educate and learn with the people who spread your message.

In these people, you have given me spiritual support and guides who show me that faith is a personal thing and can be balanced with my scientific mind’s desire for rationality and evidence.  Just as I believe in your existence in the hearts of the people who portray you, I believe in a higher power that exists in the hearts and minds of people who are searching for more than what appears on the surface.

The Davids, Kevin, Tracy, Michael, Glenn, Bruce, Lee, Randyl, Glen, Drew, Jeffrey and Roy have shown me this higher power through their actions, words and hearts.  Once more, they have shown faith in me, when my own faith and belief in myself is often sorely lacking.  I thank you for their presence as it’s nice to have someone in my corner when I don’t feel like it’s warranted or deserved.

You have given me the drive to keep going when everything within me fights forward motion.  I continue to make and release music that represents who I am and provides a glimpse into whom I am striving to become.  I continue to create and build an entertainment experience that provides a sense of beauty, wonder and magic in a world that is sorely lacking these qualities. I continue to study and learn and approach my work and ministry with a spirit of giving, compassion and kindness.

You have continued to keep my family in my life and I am blessed with a supportive and caring Mother and an amazing brother, sister-in-law and nieces. 

So.  Once again, it’s time that someone thank you for all you have given them.  Gifts that aren’t material, however gifts that have supported me, provided me strength and continue to keep me alive.

Thank you once again, Santa, for all you have given.

I love you dearly, and quite obviously, I believe.

myke/phineus.

why santa? why christmas?

Good question and there really isn’t an easy answer.

More often than not, holidays were spent with just my Mom, Dad, brother and I, so we really weren’t a big “holiday” family.  My Dad’s family was particularly distant at that time – there is a significant age difference (over 20 years in some cases) between most of my cousins and my brother and I – and our relationship with Mom’s sister was on-again-off-again throughout my childhood.

Yes we had our traditions – lighting the Advent Wreath, Advent Calendars, attending the Midnight Eucharist Service on Christmas Eve, going to The Old Mill for Christmas dinner – but more often than not, that was the extent of things.

I think I went for photos with Santa once at the Ontario Hydro family holiday party, and my Aunt took me to see the Toronto Santa Claus Parade once.  But there wasn’t a lot of hoopla for the most part.

In High School, our family stopped giving presents all together and went to Walt Disney World during the holidays (back before such a trip would require a mortgage).  Once again, it was just the four of us and we’d attend the Christmas Parade, have a quiet dinner somewhere, and then spend time doing what families do at Disney (riding rides and trying to avoid meltdowns).

As my brother and I continued to get older, Mom and Dad would often head to Arizona where they would spend time in Scottsdale and Stephen would be with his family and I would be…working and holding down the fort.

It was one such Christmas season in University when adult Myke had his first “Santa Magic” experience – I was walking from school to the commuter train, through the Toronto Underground PATH.  Not feeling the season.  Mom and Dad had departed for Scottsdale, I was working at the catering company and had a really nuts school schedule.  I was also in the process of healing myself from what I deemed to be a “failed attempt” at conversion therapy and honestly teetering towards suicidal ideation.

I was walking through the Hudson Bay Company basement, clearly not feeling the Christmas Spirit when a jolly voice spoke up.

“Are you okay young man?”  I looked up and saw “Santa” as he was heading towards the set and his throne.

“Honestly…no…no I’m not.”

“I can see that in you, young man, and just remember that there is someone who loves you and hopes you can find YOUR Merry Christmas.”

“Thank you…..Santa?!?”

He let fly with a chuckle that dissolved into a gentle “ho ho ho..” followed by a genuine hug. This was the kind of hug where there were only two people in the universe at that time – Santa and I. It was the kind of hug where I knew that, even though it felt initially awkward – an adult being hugged by Santa Claus in a shopping mall – that it was also right and necessary and needed and perfect.

I blinked back tears and continued onward to the train. I held my shit together on the way home, where I knew I could cry the way I needed to – an ugly, blubbering snot laden cry. But I honestly felt better and knew that I would be okay, despite everything that was going on in my life.

The next day, I made it a point to go thank Santa – but it was a different person and not the same one who hugged me – I thanked him nonetheless, although I suspect he was utterly confused.

I somehow made it through that holiday season and wrote the Hudson’s Bay Company to thank them for that particular Santa.  I never heard back from them, but I hope that portrayer got my thank you note.

When Larry announced that he wanted to don the red suit, I remembered the sensation of divine connection that I had in December 1995 and supported his dream.  I helped him pay his tuition and hotel expenses so he could attend Charles W. Howard and helped convince Mom and Dad to drive him there.

When I watched Larry work, I saw brief moments of connection similar to the one that saved my life in 1995 and I knew Larry was on the right track.  When Larry died, I gave away much of his Santa stuff and tucked some of the personal items into a drawer where it lay, out of sight and out of mind.

In 2015, I was invited to attend Clowns of America International’s convention in Erie, Pennsylvania by David Bartlett.  I had walked away from clowning when Larry was first diagnosed with cancer, so I could spend time ensuring he was cared for.  When he became Santa, I was the “office elf” and made sure his gigs, billing and paperwork was in order.  When I arrived at the hotel, I went to the dealer’s room and, knowing David’s organizational skills, found his table to stow my stuff until I could find him.

As I began walking towards the door, a familiar voice bellowed across the room “Myke Hutchings, you don’t think you can get out of this room without a hug from Santy Claus!” and Leon McBryde bound across the room and Santa picked me up in a bear hug – people who know Leon, knows that the big man is not exactly light on his feet.  He whispered in my ear “I know it’s been hard for you since Larry died, he meant a lot to many of us.”

Once again, I felt that sensation of connection and spirit.  I was beginning to understand how an act of kindness in the form of the man in the red suit can become something a little more than what it originally seems.

But in 2015, I was still not ready.  I had been through two periods of suicidal ideation, had scuttled most of my musical activities outside of choir and focused on trying to heal a broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit.  It was a time of spiritual study, psychological support and a lot of shadow work.

During all of this time, I helped start and manage a choir, I ran the remnants of Larry’s charity, eventually shutting it down when it was clear there was nobody willing to help the “Santas Bob” (Boyter and Garvin) and I, and wrote and recorded an album’s worth of “sad and angry boy” music.

I began consulting as a gay survivor of abuse in the Christian church; speaking, advising and advocating on behalf of the community.

It was at a Presbyterian Church event where fellow clown and dear friend David Milmine sat beside me, and whispered in my ear “I want you to be Santa’s elf.”

“What?”

“I’m doing bigger events each year and want a partner to work with.  I want you to be that partner.”

“Let me think about it.”

That year, David as Santa showed up at my house after performing at a Christmas party.  I already had another friend in the form of Hunky Dorey the Clown there, so we chatted a while while they rehydrated after long events before heading home.  As he got up, David said “I’m thinking you need a reminder of something.” and then Santa hugged me.

Once more that feeling of connection, of spirit, of magick.  Perhaps that was the feeling of my heart growing three sizes bigger, but that was the moment that the idea Phineus was born.  “I’ll be your elf, but I’m doing it on my terms.”

“I’d expect nothing less.  Merry Christmas.”

“Love you brother.  Love you Santa.”

That began the year-long workshop of Phineus, including the early stages of his back story…but I’ll save that for another time.

There’s a saying that goes:  Someday someone will hug you long enough and hard enough that all your broken pieces will stick back together.

It took an immortal saint multiple times, aided and abetted by three of his human avatars; ably assisted and supported by the Reverends Beyerl.

Thank you Santa. I love you.

even in the quietest moments

After a flurry of activity during the end of May and first week of June, the past few weeks have been a time of quiet solitude, reflection and meditation.

This was partially due to my need for solitude after about 2 weeks of intense and focused extroversion and also due to the horrific air quality resulting from the smoke and ash of the late spring forest fires in Northern Ontario and Quebec.  Between my regular seasonal allergies and the heavy smoke and particulate in the air, breathing clearly was difficult and walking outside required the use of a mask to filter the air for me to be able to breathe and remain active.

With a grey day of steady rainfall this past Monday, I remarked that the rain calmed the late spring energies surrounding me.  I actually remarked that the city was so quiet… I could hear the echoes of the voices of people I love in the absence of noise.

The house seemed quiet – silent enough that the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead seemed to have thinned enough that the ancestors could be heard calling.

And I remained silent.  And I listened.  And I pondered.  

By the way – “silent” and “listen” are composed from the same constituent letters.  Let that fact settle for a moment to ponder.

And I listened for the music in my heart, the songs of my spirit enjoining the wash of the rain and the sigh of the parched land being quenched.

And I listened for the voices of Larry and Rev. Paul.  Listening with my ears, listening with my heart, listening with my soul.  Straining to hear their words, feel their love, embrace their presence.

And I embraced the melancholic state of alone-ness that only a widow(er) can embrace.  Riding the edge of love for those who have passed before it tips over into the sadness of grief.

And I sat in silence as the rain stopped, watching the sun and blue skies stream through the parting clouds.  And I savoured the waning light as the sun set.

And I listen.  

And I ponder.  

And I remain silent.

midyear missive to the man at the North Pole

Dear Santa,

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but I’ve been focusing a lot on family, work and my friends.

I’ve also been focusing on myself and how I have needed to learn to forgive and let go of the power that people who I feel have caused me harm in the past have held over me.

Supporting an aging parent who is beginning to feel the effects of time and arthritis and yes the weariness of the current times and ongoing grief.  

Supporting logical family, who are experiencing their own health concerns and facing life changing events and challenges.  

Supporting friends who are beginning to understand the effects of long-term illness and the passing of beloved family members through their grief.  

Work has been a long hard slog over the past six months, between co-workers off on long and short term leaves of absence and the brewing labour unrest between my union and my employer.

Working on resuscitating a musical career that was abandoned, for obvious reasons, in 2020 to leave space for friends who needed music to keep food on the table and roof over their heads. This includes working as a solo performer, more theatrical work and yes – even joining a community choir!

To find a place for myself in my faith community and try to understand what my continued path is to be within that community.

To finally comprehend that I am content with where I am as a hermit, tending to a sanctuary that was planted by Larry and I and one that I continue to cultivate, continuing to create a space of comfort, solace and spirit for people to rest, heal and find themselves.

To understand how all of this ties together in the grand unpredictable weirdness that my life as a musician and your helper has become.

Thank you for inspiring someone to nominate me for a City of Hamilton Arts Award – receiving recognition for the work I’ve done supporting the arts in my hometown is an honour.

Thank you for all of the people whom have been placed in my life to support me: Mom, Rev. gerry, Rev. Doug and Ben, Murray, Rev. Lizard, Douglas, Kevin, Paul, Blair, Bruce, David, Drew and David.

Thank you for all of the people who portray and support your spirit year round.

Thank you for reminding me that love can still exist in a world consumed with discord.

Thank you.

I love you.

m.

No postscript this time. I’m no longer concerned with finding someone to share my life with – what will be, will be.

new year’s reflections and observations

Over the past little while I’ve spent some time reflecting on things and have made some observations…

The people who complain most about how “we don’t have these great things that other areas have” are usually the first to say no when an opportunity arises.  Even when it’s handed to them on a platter, tied up neatly with a bow – and in some cases, free.  There’s always an excuse – too busy, too costly, “not my thing,” unwillingness to put in the background work to get things going.

Even worse, it’s the folks who often contribute the least when things do happen.

Even in the face of offering something as a free will gesture, there will be someone making demands or deeming what you’re offering is not “good enough.”   I record the videos because they interest and provide a challenge to me as they help me keep my arrangement and playing skills up.  As I have stated before – especially when I played bars – requests will be entertained ONLY if submitted on proper stationery, which is folding currency in a denomination greater than $20. If you want me to play something in particular, direct message me and we can talk $P€¢IFI¢$ <grin>. The “requests” and dedications I have done in the past are typically gifted to someone who has made a positive impact in my life and are done as a show of gratitude.

I’ve accepted that I will forever be an outlier in the 2SLGBTQIA+ music scene, neither playing EDM, singing show tunes, doing lip sync, or dressing in drag.  I also fully understand that unless I conform to certain “appearance standards,” I won’t be fully accepted by communities or their preferred artists. Neither as an artist, contributor or collaborator.

However, I will continue to write my music and be unapologetically myself – I will support the community while refusing to engage in certain aspects that I find distasteful and exploitative <*cough* the expectation of tipping performers after paying a promoter a hefty cover charge to attend an event *cough*>.

Being an outlier allows me to negotiate my own terms and conditions…and I’m quite okay with that.

Some people will never get that some of us are not driven by certain rewards to become the best we can be.  I’m not interested in a trophy, medallion or arbitrary title to know that I am pursuing my highest ideal and striving to learn, grow and improve.  How I know I’m doing well is if I receive recognition from the people I have learned from, get positive feedback from my audience and, finally, personally feel like I’ve attained “the next level” in my development. 

In the case of my work as an entertainer, being asked to teach the next generation, write for industry leading publications and being able to work directly with people whom I consider to be my mentors and teachers will beat any medallion, trophy or title garnered through relentless self-promotion.  These are ALL trumped by a compliment, a tip and being hired again by past clients or the “I saw you at xxxx and KNEW I needed to have you at my event!”  That’s the reward I desire.

begin a tale…

“Once upon a time, began a tale,” said the storyteller…

These words opened the Cirque du Soleil show “La Nouba.”  These words changed my life as a performer.  Up until that point in my career as a musician, clown, disc jockey, karaoke host and band member, I approached each performance as a disjointed series of vignettes, songs and “moments.”  Performances were organized as to how I and my audiences “vibed” with each other and often felt like unfinished puzzles – both to me and many of my customers…

My musical tastes were “eclectic” at best ranging from Abba to Frank Zappa with stops at some of the darkest heavy metal and beardiest prog rock.  Rocky the Clown was, at best, a ringmaster in a circus of chaos popping from trick to skill to song randomly throughout a performance.

My performances were disjointed, never really flowed and felt like they were put together by scattershot or completely at random.

And my audiences suffered from the chaos.  Yes they had fun, but when they got into a vibe and flow, I’d hit the brakes, screech the tires and take a hard left turn into a different feeling, often leaving them feeling whiplashed and exhausted.

With La Nouba, I was introduced to performance as storytelling – crafting a narrative using the disparate pieces and acts, interweaving “sub plots,” such as the clowns, eventually leading up to a grand finale which provided a closing of the narratives contained within the show.

The show pushed and pulled, it created and resolved tension and also gave moments for the audience to breathe, to rest, to laugh.

Understanding how this worked turned me into a storyteller as I began to approach my performances moving forward.

From my performances as Phineus in his various incarnations – I began to develop a narrative – focusing on who Phineus is as a character – beyond an exaggerated version of Myke.  Within the core of Phineus as a character exists the elf, the bard, the fool, the bunny, the pirate and various other twists on the character.  These core traits have helped me to develop both solo performances as Phineus as well as craft shows working with Santa, Captain Greed the Pirate and yes, other clowns, elves and comedic performers.  

Each performance has a storyline that it follows, Phineus the Elf training the reindeer and repairing the sleigh for Santa; Phineus being transformed by Santa into a Bunny to help the Easter Bunny during the “Elven Off Season”; Phineus learning new songs for the Renaissance/Steampunk Festival; Phineus acting as an olde time explorer in a Furry Convention….these stories can be 30-45 minutes long or exist for the duration of a multi-day event and the narrative builds as each event progresses.

At the same time, these stories reflect who Phineus is and what the overarching intent of each performance is.  And they build when I get repeat customers as the narrative continues at the next event I do for them.

These core traits have helped me develop my performances as a musician as well.  My gigs are no longer a “top 40” collection of songs that I can perform for the most part (unless that is what I’ve been requested to do), when I produce myself as a performer, I prefer my gigs to have a narrative arc.

“table for one.” was a two set show where I performed my album “table for one.” in its entirety during the first half – from beginning to end.  Yes – it took cojones to perform a completely unknown set of original songs from beginning to end before an audience of my peers, friends and family.  Especially songs that were pretty experimental (being human) or depressing as hell (table for one).  The second set was a series of songs that I constantly found solace in as I rebounded from the deaths of my husband and father and recovered from two suicidal periods.  It was an emotionally HEAVY night for myself and the audience and I thank them for their patience and kindness.

“Foundation” was a show where again, I played a mini set of new music, a “best of” from “table for one.” and a set of songs of continued healing.    “45 and Still Alive” was a LONG set of music which followed my autobiography in music…from my early love of the Bee Gees, through to my fixation on ABBA, through to The Who, Rush, Pink Floyd, Mike Keneally, Frank Zappa and Bob Mould.  It was an incredibly eclectic set but followed my life’s story in songs – including stuff I had written in the past and present.

Each show I’ve done resulted in incredible comments of how people felt my stories being told through music.

I’ve taken this further with my presentations, seminars and lectures.  When I returned to the corporate world in 1996 and was given classes in adult education and instruction, it became clear to me that people learned better if they were engaged in learning and the subject matter in which they were being trained.  To help them engage with it, it became evident to provide a context as to why it was important to learn whatever was being taught.  How to provide context?  Tell a story.

I have since focused on education as “infotainment” to a certain extent.  Particularly if I am teaching performers a particular skill or concept.  I have found that they grasp the idea better if they see a fellow performer using that idea in their own presentation, so why not use it as part of the lesson and “sneak” that knowledge into them by entertaining them in the process.

I have seen so many performers present a series of skills, tricks and gags and call it a show.  There is nothing connecting the vignettes together and often their performances come across disjointed, chaotic and are less than engaging for the audience.  The only connecting factor is the performer themselves and there is no rhyme or reason for why they are doing what they are doing aside from “I am an entertainer, let me entertain you!”  Sadly this often leads to a lack of engagement with the audience, who can pop in and out of attention depending on whether they find the action “on stage” interesting or not.  All the while, the performer is on autopilot doing the particular routine.

In the end, the audience had moments, but are not left with a memory or tale to tell their friends.  This was reinforced to Santa and Phineus this year when a customer at one of our events stated “Hey [childrens’ names redacted] – remember Santa and Phineus visited us on Zoom last year?  Phineus sang us songs and Santa told a funny story about why his sleigh has bells?  When we heard it was them going to be here – we made sure to arrange a visit!”  

In a Zoom “Virtual Visit” Santa and Phineus provided entertainment, created a memory and told a story that these customers remembered.  In creating our visits, we told a story to the families we met, provided entertainment and created a memory that the family cherished enough to “hunt us down” for a visit this year.

Too many performers don’t seem to think like entertainers, even fewer think like storytellers.

finding my smile

The past few weeks have reminded me of how blessed I am to be surrounded by amazing people who understand and support me.  As a performer who still suffers from anxiety, having people who believe in you is an incredible asset to have, especially when your anxiety reveals itself in the form of impostor syndrome.

That being said, people who believe in me have helped push me forward beyond my usual comfortable snail’s pace and I am grateful for them.

First and foremost, thank you to David Milmine for believing in Phineus enough, to bring him along on a marquee gig to assist Santa with crowds and distribution of holiday cheer, music and, yes, candy canes.  It’s been almost a decade since I’ve done serious performance based clowning and over 7 years since I’ve been able to assist the Jolly Old Elf Himself as a helper.  When I looked in the mirror and saw Phineus looking back at me, it felt like wearing an old pair of comfortable jeans as well as breaking in new shoes.
David had faith in me, when I barely had faith in myself.  I am indebted to him for his kindness and support.

Thanks also to Susie Braithwaite of the International Village BIA for being so welcoming and open minded to something new and different for the “Shop the Village” and “Victorian Night in the Village” events.  I hope Phineus gets asked back next year as we had fun!

I managed to “find my smile” again after it had been absent several years, I missed it and it’s like having a beloved old friend back in my life.

And if any Santas want a fun loving elf to assist them.  Let’s talk!

A second thanks to Connie “The Mississippi Queen” Rouble for hosting my first Southern Supper.  I had approached her with the idea of doing a Christmas Show where I can perform some of my own music, holiday classics, while friends, supporters and family eat a delicious meal of fried chicken, biscuits, potatoes, green beans and pumpkin pie.  It was a lovely evening and again, it took me to swallow my pride, ignore that little voice in the back of my head saying that I’m not good enough and then diving head first into deep water.

My friends and family seemed to enjoy the food and they particularly enjoyed the Balderdash and Humbug holiday shenanigans that I provided during my second set.
Thank you to Amanda Pants Covill-Hyde, John Corvus and Drew Maddison of the Hamilton Pagan Pride committee for inviting me to open for their annual Krampus Pub Moot.  I once again brought out a set of comedy holiday parodies that were bookended with some suitably pagan Yuletide songs (classics from Jethro Tull and an olde English carol), the audience seemed to have fun and once again opening for Heather Dale and her band was an added bonus!  I was only sad that I had to leave early in order to get enough sleep to come to work the next day.

I’d like to thank Rev. Doug Moore and the parishioners of Laidlaw Memorial United Church for hosting the fourth installment of “No Coal in Your Stocking.”  Once again, I produced a show where local musicians could perform holiday songs for a laid back audience and have a chance to celebrate the season with other musicians.  It was a joyous occasion and we continued to increase the shared take as we passed the hat.

It’s amazing how the holiday season allows people of different faiths to gather together and celebrate light, rebirth and light.  Once again, I walk the fine line between Pagan and Christian as I explore what the month around the Winter Solstice, Yule and Christmas means to me as an entertainer and artist both through emotional and spiritual viewpoints.

another journey around the sun

This past year has been a somewhat interesting one.  I am both satisfied, yet have a sense of disappointment, often for the very same reasons…

I completed the touring cycle for table for one. and in the process recorded Foundation.  Foundation was released with some fanfare, but very little response.  I’m happy to have the “next step” clearly taken, however am honestly disappointed in the poor response to the music.  In my honest opinion, the songwriting is stronger and more concise than the predecessor, but yes, it’s far less personal.

Oh well.  Sophomore jinx, etc. etc. I guess.  I’m rethinking the whole paradigm of gathering songs and releasing them as an item.  So the next step will be a single release with one song that I’ve written and, perhaps, another b-side to be determined at a later date.

I’ve progressed with my studies in spiritual matters and expect to take my next step towards that in the fall.  I am content with where my studies are leading me and am enjoying the personal and spiritual growth that these studies are providing me.  Things are far less “urgent” feeling and I’m finding more peace in my daily living.

Throughout all of this, I’ve continued to downsize my musical needs and hone the arsenal of instruments in my collection.  I believe I have found my musical main squeeze guitar-wise and have begun paring back the collection to the bare essentials.  My main acoustic brings me joy when I play it and it does everything I ask of it and often surprises me with what it allows me to do.

My relationship with my Mom continues to progress as we both process our widowhood and grief.  Traveling to Arizona with her over the Christmas holidays brought me closure with certain episodes in my life and continued to refine what is important to me.  I found  a new peace in the desert and any angst from past visits has disappeared.

My family continues to bring me joy in new ways.  It’s refreshing to watch the remarkable young women that my nieces have grown up to be.  I am lucky to have them in my life.

I continue to explore what it means to be single at this point in my life.  While I still feel the loneliness of widowhood to be rather difficult at times, I am not as frantic to find the next life partner as once was.  What I do know is that potential friends and companions never cease to find new ways to disappoint me and that my tolerance for such shenanigans continues to disappoint.

I have much love in my heart, however I realize now that I should be more selective in who I choose to share it with.

The house continues to feel more and more like my home as I refine what I have in it and pare back what is in it.  I continue to reduce the clutter and decide what furniture will stick.  I will be downsizing in the future, but downsizing on my own terms.

Chloe continues to be a joyous, loving companion.  Every morning that I awaken to her happy face and wagging tail – is a good morning.   I am blessed.

Work is a means to an end.  I have incredible team mates and a supportive and patient manager.  They are what makes my vocation endurable, that and the fact that it funds my avocations.

I continue to heal from my PTSD, depression and my struggles with anxiety are ongoing. I am getting better at knowing when my triggers are being pushed and able to intervene before the excrement hits the ventilation – so to speak.

So this year has been a year of consolidating the changes, evaluating and then making appropriate steps towards my next goals.  It has been a year of slow, steady progress and continuing to build my foundation.

Hopefully next year will be more productive for growth.

Peace to all.

m.

 

table for one. a finale.

Thanks to my friends for attending the table for one. CD release “event” on February 20, 2017. It’s been a long time coming and I’m glad to share the music that I have created with everyone. Special thanks to Shannon Munn for opening Cannon Coffee Co. especially for the event and also to Douglas Steckle for shepherding me to and from the event and helping out. Both of you are amazing!

Thanks also to Cindy Schnaithmann for making the Cannon work as a venue and making the arranging of it so easy, despite the construction the cafe is undergoing this week!

As I came down from last night’s performance, I reflected on the journey that has been the table for one. experience.

Life is a constant evolution. table for one. documents a 7 year period in life where I dealt with my husband’s cancer, his transplant surgery, and then his death, followed by my father’s death one year later and the ensuing nervous break down…the past three years have been of reflection, healing and moving forward…and the songs in the table for one. cycle reflect that.

I realized after performing certain songs that I can no longer go back into the particular headspace and “heartspace” that they represent any further. While they are my creations and I’m proud of them in their own right, sometimes they need to be set free and exist on their own…as a marker of a particular moment in time.

being human. is one such song as is patient. Both have had their chance to be shared and the emotions therein expressed but my heart, mind and spirit are just not in them any more.

I’m happy that these songs can still resonate with people and that they will listen to them and gain strength and whatever joy they from them, however they are not for me any further. These compositions and recording belong to the world at this point. I will protect and guard them, however I will not revisit them as a performer.

I’ve also been able to use the table for one. experience to reflect on the writing for a CD, recording it and releasing it as a single project/object and realized that at this point in my career, it is not a sound artistic and financial prospect.

You may have noticed my Patreon page being mentioned earlier last week. This represents the next step in my career and musician and will focus on the release of musical items as they are created. We shall chat about this at a later date.

That being said, I still have a small stock of CDs left, so if you’d like one, please let me know and we’ll work it out!

Thanks for your continued support and patience!